So that we don’t have to endure mind-numbingly repetitious statements of the obvious, spoken English evolved phrases like “blah blah blah” and “yada yada yada.”
image credit:youtube
Unfortunately, there is no such shorthand in the “After” universe, which is now on its fourth installment and appears to be dedicated to spinning the already vanishingly wispy romance between good-girl Tessa and bad-boy Hardin, YA fiction’s most colossally boring golden couple, into the ever thinner straw.
After a mediocre second film (“After We Collided”) and a stumbling third (“After We Fell”), the latest episode — which itself builds to a face-palming “to be continued”) — can’t even be described as blah. It is the void between the blahs.
After ever happy picks up at the English wedding that Tessa Young (Josephine Langford, dewy) and Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin, surly) were attending at the end of the previous film when Hardin discovered his bride-to-be mom Trish (Louise Lombard) having sex with her not-fiancé Christian (Stephen Moyer). Hardin’s secret biological father, Christian, is revealed, allowing Hardin to begin this episode in his preferred psychological territory: a funk.
To be fair, considering the series’ track record of continuously recasting the older generation’s roles, there’s a lot for parents to be furious and puzzled about: Moyer is the second actor to play Christian; Peter Gallagher and Rob Estes have both played Hardin’s father, Ken Scott; and the less said about the three actresses cast as Hardin’s stepmom, the better; and imagine being Tessa, popping home to your mother Selma Blair in “After We Collided” only to discover in “After We Fell” that she’s now Oscar-winner Mira Sorvino. The lack of object permanence concerning one’s mother and father is enough to drive anyone to drink.
image credit: filmdaily
So, recalling his drunkenness and forgetting his love-inspired reformation, Hardin downs a scotch and flees to burn down his childhood house, disregarding Tessa, who has trailed him bleating pallidly like a veal calf. Their love appears to be on the rocks once more, but fans needn’t worry because the terminally self-involved couple will continue to toggle the on-off switch so quickly that it should come with a strobe warning for people with epilepsy.
Tessa returns home to Washington State during one of their downtimes, only to be presented with an even worse daddy issue than Hardin’s: her father’s corpse in her apartment, where the once homeless man had been sleeping when he OD’d.
image credit: vitalthrills
Hardin, who is still in London punching walls and awkwardly dropping F-bombs into every sentence like he’s meeting the R-rating quota, hadn’t been taking Tessa’s calls but is informed of her crisis by a mutual friend and repentantly flies to be by her side only to discover she now won’t speak to him and yada yada yada.
Suffice it to say, there will be at least one more make-up and break-up cycle, at least two more gauzy flashbacks to those happy afternoons spent baking (?) together, and perhaps three more occasions on which they will quote Hemingway, who has replaced Jane Austen as “After’s” literary touchpoint du jour. He is currently whirling so fast in his grave that the entire state of Idaho is in danger of collapsing.
image credit: vitalthrills
The third and fourth entries were shot back-to-back during the pandemic, with Bulgaria standing in for the various places, which may account for the film’s shaky grasp on time and place.
It’s difficult to determine whether this action is taking place on another continent or in the café next door, or whether it will take place the next minute, the next day, or several months later (save for one time jump indicated by Tessa’s sudden and quite wiggy-looking bangs).
image credit: youtube
The photography, by Rob Givens and Joshua Reis, is gauzy and fake, and occasionally weird, such as when the camera sweeps up Tessa’s body as if she’s just had a massive makeover when she appears the same as before — except maybe she changed her tights? Its notably unnaturally sun flared during the two very vanilla sex scenes, which are exacerbated by the stars’ continued, astounding lack of chemistry.
Despite their best efforts, their golden-hued humping sessions produce roughly the same amount of sensual voltage as a glass of milk and a ham sandwich. To paraphrase an exchange in a restaurant when Tessa is given a dish: “Is it spicy?” “No.”
image credit: cosmopolitan
The photography, by Rob Givens and Joshua Reis, is gauzy and fake, and occasionally weird, such as when the camera sweeps up Tessa’s body as if she’s just had a massive makeover when she appears the same as before — except maybe she changed her tights? Its notably unnaturally sun flared during the two very vanilla sex scenes, which are exacerbated by the stars’ continued, astounding lack of chemistry.
Despite their best efforts, their golden-hued humping sessions produce roughly the same amount of sensual voltage as a glass of milk and a ham sandwich. To paraphrase an exchange in a restaurant when Tessa is given a dish: “Is it spicy?” “No.”
