Squared Love is a Polish rom-com on Netflix that- wait, “Squared Love”? Is something lost in the Polski-to-English translation of the title?
Perhaps it has something to do with the plot, in which a mousy schoolteacher secretly works as a mega-glamor model — you know, she’s a square but also very hot? Or is it a twist on the standard rom-com template, which typically shows love triangle relationships? ( Triangulated? Trianglematized?)
Anyway, I was going to say it’s beholden to many silly-premise American movies that came before it, which isn’t necessarily a negative thing because charm wins everything and may let it overcome the significant obstacle of having a befuddling title.
Enzo (Mateusz Banasiuk) is not his true name. He’s Stefan, but the world knows him as Enzo, the star model who cruises the city in flashy sports vehicles and picks up ladies with his beautiful grin. Klaudia (Adrianna Chlebicka) is not her true name. Monika is a teacher who trades in her zip-up denim sweater and thick eyeglasses for spike heels, short skirts, artificial lashes, contact lenses, and a curly wig to moonlight as Klaudia, the celebrity model who appears on billboards all over town.
The Invisible Force Of Destiny (TIFOD), performed by screenwriters Marzanna Polit and Wiktor Piatkowski, is the third main character in the film, a nebulous entity conspiring to push Enzo/Stefan and Klaudia/lips Monika’s together. The characters’ stupid kookiness appeals; Enzo and others can’t realize how Monika/Klaudia is the same character. On the one side, Enzo sees sheer beauty and charm; on the other, he sees intelligence and sweetness; and this strikes a deep chord with the audience.
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It urges the viewer to feel irritated – how can he not see that it is the same woman? The irony is that Enzo seeks both in life – he desires both beauty and intelligence. Klaudia, of course, wears a wig, but the glasses completely conceal the characteristics on her face.
It’s not so easy, though, because The Invisible Force Of Destiny has a sense of humor and has to occupy 100 or so minutes of movie time. TIFOD sometimes takes a step back to allow for character development: Enzo lives with Alicja (Agnieszka Zulewska), a manager at the ad agency where he works. She has a tough demeanor and prefers her massive dog to him. Even though they have an open relationship, she is not thrilled that he regularly takes advantage of it. She evicts him, forcing him to live with his brother (Krzysztof Czeczot) and his little niece Ania (Helena Mazur).
Klaudia rushes from beautiful picture shoots to her hectic classroom, like Romper Room on barbiturates. Her principal (Tomasz Karolak) is a jerk who despises her despite her celebrity and has a thing for standardized test results. Monika despises her modeling job, but she endures it to pay off her father’s (Miroslaw Baka) debt — note: he also doesn’t know she’s Klaudia — the type of debt that has heavies seizing him by the lapels and threatening to break his fingers. Teaching is her TRUE Love, but if the horrible TRUTH of her alter-ego is uncovered, oh, what a SCANDAL, I suppose?
As a result, TIFOD strives to cast Klaudia and Enzo in the same production as sexy, passionate lovers who make out next to and/or atop sports automobiles. It also conspires to make Enzo fall for Ania, one of Monika’s classmates. Notably, Enzo resembles Markus, and Markus resembles Enzo. Still, Monika and Klaudia are two separate parts of the same woman’s existence. They’re both being deceitful – she’s hiding something, and he believes he’s macking on two separate ladeez. Onset, there’s a spark between Enzo and Klaudia. When he escorts school field excursions, there’s a spark between Enzo and Monika.
Sorry, but Monika/Superman Klaudia’s routine falls flat. Also, it’s cheesy. And weighed down by outmoded prejudices. Perhaps it might have worked if the picture had a more effervescent, absurdist, or self-aware tone. Still, it takes about 10% too seriously and fails to find its funny footing. In his quest for laughs, director Filip Zylber hits some off-key notes — for example, the scene in which Enzo and Klaudia first meet, on the way to a modeling shoot, when he picks her up after her car breaks down.
He jokes that she’s a prostitute, just like the women across the street. However, they’re on a rural road surrounded by forest, which is apparently where prostitutes hang out in Poland? Is this amusing? Or is it plausible? Even from afar
The screenplay of Squared Love is a chaotic, monotonous beast that moves with leaden boots. Perhaps it’s a positive thing that it takes the time to get to know the characters, but with no balance of tempo and growth and no chemistry between the leads, it’s a drag. The storyline tosses up useless difficulties — like that old classic, the Child With a Life-Threatening Allergy — that feel like slow-motion contortions Monika and Enzo must negotiate to get at the inevitable ending, as prescribed by TIFOD. It’s not a movie you’ll vehemently despise; it’s just bland, uninspired, and uninteresting.
